So it goes like

On one hand it’s like for fucks sake, isn’t that what I mean? Haven’t you gotten moments wherein your just like, I’ve worked my butt of to make my shit look good, and I know my shit can look good, so why is it I can’t do the goodlooking shit I could do yesterday?

And on the other hand there’s like, fuck you, why do I have to explain myself to defend against your rude-ass condescending tone, jerkoff. Like what the fuck mang, do you think I haven’t tried that?

Like, sure, fine, my post is rather vague so maybe it’s not understood that I mean like, feeling shit that your skill level seemed to drop below your already tested capability to do something, but goddamn, am I so not in the mood.

I’m not even in optimal self-loathing mode. I refer to everything as feels and pose my lack of drive as a mood and not as a truth stating that I believe there is no longer a point to even trying, so I would kindly prefer you at least let me have my therapeutic whinefest (which I am already being really fucking self-deprecating about, mind you) without making my mood any shittier by pointing out that I’m some sort of naive child who needs to be told of the existence of the concept of practicing, kthnx bai.

A theme that ISN’T hipsters, vampires pirates OR hipster vampire pirates???

Well, I’m stumped. I can’t find my white face paint either.  Do not have an appropriate wig for pretending to be brainiac 5 again. And How many times have I done Mafia? Ick.

And It’s fun. I like it. I look good in pictures.

What’s the word for it again? Escapist? Procrastination? Avoidant-ness? Idk.

I need more themes tho.

Is this going to be a regular thing with me? Flip a switch as it gets later in the evening?

I dunno why I put all the past shit on my trans blog when it has not much to do with my trans-ness? Either way, let’s talk anger.

I find it really funny that Today, it’s a matter of being in control over your emotions in comparison to yesterday which was all ‘FUCK, EMOTIONS ALWAYS WIN, FUCK YOU EMOTIONS.”. Because like, now, I feel in control.

In control, but over-critical of everything because I’m hyper aware of my feels now.

Like, I am mad. I am honestly so mad I could punch something. The thing is tho, i know exactly why I am mad and have determined that not only is it not proportionate to the amount of anger I have but is not something I should be angry about. Because it’s not anyone’s fault, nor is it even a problem.

So I know I’m mad and that I should not manifest it because really, I’m the one who ends up looking like a tool, but I won’t joke myself into thinking I can wish it away. Because we will feel what we feel, it’s all a matter of bein in control of them. Don’t act on it if you know you’re going to regret it.

The real problem now is that you become really critical of everything you do, worried that you are doing something based on that anger, like being passive agressive instead of just doing something for the sake of it.

You have to question whether or not your actions are being fueled by your anger. And in assuring people you are not being passive agressive, it kinda sound like, you know, passive-agression. So it’s a pretty lose-lose scenario.

Or, you could just not talk to anyone and sulk. but I hate sulking. It’s like throwing a quiet temper tantrum. I am an adult who should be able to compose themselves.

And you want to go about like everything’s normal. But it isn’t and other people can tell it’s not. And you know how people get. Anger is contagious and despite your attempts at keeping it to yourself, the people you interact with catch it from you even in small ways. And ofcourse, you don’t want that. So then, it really does appear that it would be best if you just backed the fuck off.

Some how, after these long essays, the conclusion I always reach is ‘it’s probably better if I went to bed’ but that I won’t follow it because it feels too much like waving the white flag at whatever my problem is at the moment.

Copy-pasta’d from the TheMr.Libertine, which was totally the wrong blog.

I don’t usually like talking about my relationship-related feels and insecurities that come from nowhere.

I hate them, because it’s the sort of shit everyone has, and I should know better because I get exactly where they’re coming from. The desire to feel special. The wanting to know someone loves you for you and that you are their number one. I can see why people want to be in them. But at the same time, I know that you don’t need them and that you can get these from other sources.

Friends are better than lovers. I will never not believe that, I think. All of me knows that to be true but there’s just one part of me. This one senseless random part that just overrides everything and says, yeah, well you want that too. It doesn’t have a reason or justification as to why. It just says so and suddenly, no reasoning I have can override it.

What is this and how do I kill it? It is not for my benefit, all it does is make things more difficult.

Is it because I’m such a romantic at heart, secretly? Or does it have something to do with my almost obscene love of tragedies. I have this sick desire for a sort of profound pain- as emo as that sounds- the sort of anguish you get making lose-lose situations that just tear your life apart.

Is that it, I wonder? Why do I have to make things so complicated for myself? I am ruled by emotions I cannot find the source of. I mean, 75% of the time, reason guides me, but if the emotion wants to win, by fuck, nothing’s going to stop it.

And that’s what this is. Some strange emotional urge of mine that longs for love I don’t even understand. How the hell can I possibly want something I don’t even know how it feels like?

Fuck, I hate this. Maybe I should listen to myself and sleep it off. but nope, I think I want to wax poetic more. Maybe I’ll read some sappy shit, idk.

Not the Trans blog.

So I should move things here so I just look in one place for these.

i just don’t. i can’t even explain it to them if i tried. Im scared. scared of what i might do. scared of what happens when Im better. scared that when better comes. ill have ruined every thing for every one.

i want her help how do i ask for it

Sorry for all this guys.

I’m sorta scared. Unfortunately, nothing I do would suggest this.

Ha ha ha.

The temporary solutions seem to only be good for a year. Afterwards, it all goes to shit again.

As stupid as it sounds, I think the reason I’ve been unable to give two shits about school or take any of it seriously is because when I force myself to, I hate my life.

I mean, I tried last night. I told myself, I’ve already majorly fucked up one class, I shouldn’t completely show my worthlessness by failing the others. So I turned the computer off and tried focusing completely on my schoolwork, telling myself that I HAVE to work and it isn’t as if I’m the only one who hates having to do this.

And seriously, if I can’t do this, would I be the same way every time there was something I didn’t want to do? How would that work. I hope it’s just because I think I can survive without graduating that I am unmotivated. How would I deal with the real world.?

I’d like to say I haven’t done anything drastic since that last blog but I dunno how drastic you consider noticing you missed a small blood vessel by a centimeter.

Sorry Mami, I should’ve let you keep the cutter. But then how would I sharpen pencils? :P

I bring it all on myself. I cannot understand why I cannot bring myself to care more about what happens to me academically, but that I want to kill myself now that i’m almost sure I’ve fucked up past the point of being fixable.

I don’t care about going to college anymore but quitting is not an option. i can’t do that to my mum.

Then why would i even think of doing something I know hurts her more like indulging my suicidal tendencies.

maybe because i want help. I need help. But even i wouldn’t believe me when i say that. Melodramatic me.

Me who breaks down the second after they arrive at a friend’s house unannounced then flips into shits and giggles the moment any other point of conversation is brought up.

I flip off. I cannot stay depressed. The moment you talk about ANYTHING else, my brain fixes on that and pushes the stressful thought out in a blink. Of course it turns right back on the moment I’m alone.

Ha, why am I so weak.

Like, the only way I’m going to finish this is if I don’t sleep at all and work consistently until it’s due.

THere is virtually no chance of that happening.

I realize how much shit I am in. I am unbothered by that it seems. That scares me.

but I cannot be über  ragey at people who are supposedly fighting for the same thing I am, but with glaring differences.

I may be pissed off as hell and cuss them out, but I find it counter productive to turn them into the enemy considering I feel the mutual enemy will always see it as a weakness.

So yes, I’m more likely to take the calm rational road uif we’re SUPPOSED to be on the same side. But Don’t worry, I still side-eye the fuck out of you. :3c